Its alittle less than an hour since my last post. I'm so bored its not even funny, but I thought since I'm not going to sleep anytime soon I'd update you on something other than my summer to do list.
On and off I do drugs. Its like so rarely and not even a problem for me that I don't even mention it to my therapist. I smoke a little weed and snort a little oxy. Oxycontin is not at all something to mess with. And honestly it doesn't make you feel that great. You just feel like shit then throw up. Recently I bought some and was going to take it to be high because I was depressed and so I could drop a few pounds because when you're on oxy eating isn't really an option unless you want to ruin your shirt with puke.
I'm not going to lie I felt like hot shit when I was snorting those pills every two hours for those two days I had them. And my cousins were over so they treated me like I was and even cooler person for doing those drugs. Where I live doing drugs isn't really an issue unless you're just an asshole. And you get more respect,and friends and just people that general like you if you're on something. I got caught up in that for the slightest moment. I spent my good money on drugs I didn't need, and fucked up my stomach just so I could feel like one of those people that can do whatever the fuck they want and still have people love them. Quite honestly those drugs did make me feel like that, but after I threw up, passed out, itched like a crack head, and couldn't shit for two days I was still the same lonely kid after I came down from my high.
Right now I have no one. I have no one to talk to, no one to hang out with, no one to even text. I don't want to have to spend all my money, and mess up my body to get that, but I'm only human and I have to admitt I get to that point. I get so absolutely lonely that when I have people to do drugs with, people that don't give a shit about me, people that are just using me for money or a free pill, those people feel good to have because at least it's someone. And just having a person to interact with makes me feel a little less alone. Even if I'm nothing to them.
I've gotten to this point a few times. And I keep going back to it because I just don't get addicted to drugs. I have never been addicted to Oxycontin yet i've taken it numerous times. I let it go very easily. Thats why I keep going back for it when I feel alone though because It makes me feel invinsible, I feel like I don't need it, but I take it anyways, and then it brings me all these wonderful yet fake things. And going through this process again, and again, has made me realise I need something real. I need real friendships that are based on people liking me instead of what I can sell them or what they sell me. I need something stable. I keep wondering why these people are running away from me and I still don't know why, but a big part of it is the fact that they're the type of people that shoudl be trusted anyways. They're just letting the little gay kid in because right now she has something to offer. And I'm not the drugs I have or the money I have I'm a fucking person and I need to start treating myself like one.
I'm not going to just let people treat me like shit anymore, and I'm not going treat myself like that either. Right now i'm looking for security. Like my list is all based on my insecurites like I want gay friends so people don't treat me like the gay kid and I can actually be myself around them instead of wondering who i'm offending. I want to lose weight so people don't leave me because i'm the " fat" kid. And I want to change my style so people aren't put off by how i'm dressed. I'm extremely insecure and lonely. Thats why I did drugs. Its also why I'm trying to change things now. I thought I would give you some insight on how my whole summer list thing came about. So now you know a little more about me.
It is now 6:24am.
Comment please!
Tell people about me too. Por favor.
Oh, and if you know something that can help me practice my spanish over the summer please tell me. Thank you.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Kind of a profound day.
Today, I went and hung out with some friends who are all straight. It was the first time in a while I went out and chilled with people. It was pretty decent. There is this one girl thats in the group of people I hang out with that just seems to not like me though. We get along just fine, but I feel like every word I say pisses her off. And honestly her " you're so lame" attitude toward me makes me want to impress her. It really makes no sence at all and I know that, but its kind of hot. I know trying to impress someone or be friends with them just because they're hot is one of the most stupid, adolesent things you can do, but I'm a teenager shallowness comes really easy for me and.
So, yeah, her attitude is really hot and she's attractive, and I don't at all like her like that. I just keep striving to impress her with something I can do or make her laugh because she is the only one that doesn't find me the slightest bit entertaining. I think the mystery of what people think about me really pushes me to try and dig deep into their minds. When I find someone with no interest in me I suddenly become obsessed with them liking me. Its like every time i'm around them I have to change myself the slightest bit just to see if they like that version of me better.
This extremely, fuck up, dysfunctional, attention whore-ish way of trying to make people like me is an insucurity I have with my obvious gayness. I'm the type of person that is so obviously gay that I might as well be the poster child for " don't let your teen turn into sterotype"so when I meet someone that doesn't like me I imediately assume its because they know i'm gay. After that internal breakdown I just want them to know that i'm not some freak, and then I try to turn myself into their verison of what normal is just so they don't think that just because I'm gay i'm crazy. I don't know why I'm crazy, but I know its not just because I happen to be a homo. I'm so weird, and unusual, and spastic ( and not in a bad way ) that when I try and tone myself down for the " hot girl ", or the new friend, or the person who's attention I crave who I become isn't at all like who I am. And I know thats not good to do because what if someone loves the person I am, but hates the facade i'm using to impress them? I could have had a great friend, but missed out because I'm trying to be the perfect gay kid so the people I surround myself will treat me as an equal.
Today, I hung out with my friends. There was a girl there that seemed like every word I said pissed her off. And this time I didn't try to impress her because I saw that the girl sitting next to me was someone who liked who I was. Not the person I was trying to for the girl to my far right. So, we talked and thoroghly enjoyed eachothers company. Even though this seems like nothing it was a big moment for me. Not changing myself to make someone feel comfortable with who I am is big. And I did that today. The majority of the people in the room enjoyed having me there and the rest i don't know.But they didn't completely reject me like I thought they would. Its still hard to keep true to myself when i'm the gay kid in a room full of heteros because I feel that extreme need to fit in, but fuck that if they don't like me why am i there in the first place?
I think being the insane person that I am will help me on my journey to find friends like me who understand me. Gay and straight people who just love the person I am as much as I do them.
I'm probably going to end up trying to change myself again because I really hate feeling alone when i'm surrounded by people, but today was a start and i'm kind of proud of it.
So, yeah, her attitude is really hot and she's attractive, and I don't at all like her like that. I just keep striving to impress her with something I can do or make her laugh because she is the only one that doesn't find me the slightest bit entertaining. I think the mystery of what people think about me really pushes me to try and dig deep into their minds. When I find someone with no interest in me I suddenly become obsessed with them liking me. Its like every time i'm around them I have to change myself the slightest bit just to see if they like that version of me better.
This extremely, fuck up, dysfunctional, attention whore-ish way of trying to make people like me is an insucurity I have with my obvious gayness. I'm the type of person that is so obviously gay that I might as well be the poster child for " don't let your teen turn into sterotype"so when I meet someone that doesn't like me I imediately assume its because they know i'm gay. After that internal breakdown I just want them to know that i'm not some freak, and then I try to turn myself into their verison of what normal is just so they don't think that just because I'm gay i'm crazy. I don't know why I'm crazy, but I know its not just because I happen to be a homo. I'm so weird, and unusual, and spastic ( and not in a bad way ) that when I try and tone myself down for the " hot girl ", or the new friend, or the person who's attention I crave who I become isn't at all like who I am. And I know thats not good to do because what if someone loves the person I am, but hates the facade i'm using to impress them? I could have had a great friend, but missed out because I'm trying to be the perfect gay kid so the people I surround myself will treat me as an equal.
Today, I hung out with my friends. There was a girl there that seemed like every word I said pissed her off. And this time I didn't try to impress her because I saw that the girl sitting next to me was someone who liked who I was. Not the person I was trying to for the girl to my far right. So, we talked and thoroghly enjoyed eachothers company. Even though this seems like nothing it was a big moment for me. Not changing myself to make someone feel comfortable with who I am is big. And I did that today. The majority of the people in the room enjoyed having me there and the rest i don't know.But they didn't completely reject me like I thought they would. Its still hard to keep true to myself when i'm the gay kid in a room full of heteros because I feel that extreme need to fit in, but fuck that if they don't like me why am i there in the first place?
I think being the insane person that I am will help me on my journey to find friends like me who understand me. Gay and straight people who just love the person I am as much as I do them.
I'm probably going to end up trying to change myself again because I really hate feeling alone when i'm surrounded by people, but today was a start and i'm kind of proud of it.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Searching for friends
Trying to fit in is the hardest thing I have to deal with. Not only am I just weird I'm gay. So even when I do make friends there is always something missing. There is always this huge disconnect. They can be the most understand nice people ever, but they're still straight and share heterosexual experiences. I can't even try to act like I share any of their life experiences as a straight person because honestly I'm just that gay. Nothing about me even resembles straightness, one of my fingers is even crooked and I swear I walk in curvy lines. I need gay friends. I need them bad.
Some people tell me that I shouldn't just go looking for friends that are LGBT, I should just let my friendships happen with whom ever they form with. Well, I've been fucking doing that. I need a friend to talk to that shares my life experiences. Someone who knows what its like to have to watch their back at school just like I have to. Someone who's been harassed on their bus and had the driver ignore it, just like I have. Someone who has been surrounded by multiple people ready to beat the shit out of them, just like I have. Someone who has thought out their suicide right down to the note to their mother, just like I have. Someone that is struggling to find a communtiy, just like I am. Someone that has to check their surroundings before they mention a girl they like, just like I do. Someone who is being denied their civil rights, just like I am. Someone who has to wake up everyday knowing they aren't ever going to be treated equally, just like I have to. Someone that feels completely alone, just like I do...
Most LGBT teens fit this description. So you'd think it would be easy to find a friend, but at 14 years old I am really the only out kid at school. At my age people are too afriad to come out. So I have to set an example and be someone to look up to. And I know I'm doing my job because I see the closet cases looking up to me. They come up to me and say " hi " and have someone to feel comfortable around, and know they aren't alone. Its a pretty big deal to be out at 14, but I have to do it so the kids in the closet don't feel so alone, and so straight kids know a gay person peronally and see that i'm no different than them. But, while i'm trying to be this person and set this example, and make people feel not so alone I have no one doing the same for me. I can be that person, but at the end of the day i'm still just another fucked up teenager that needs someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel bad being this messed up in the head and trying to be someone that people can look up to. If they ended up like me as I am now I'd give them a refund.
I can support the closet cases because i'm like them and i've been there, but my straight friends aren't like me, they haven't been there at all. I need someone like me in my life. I'm not putting down my straight friends at all or straight people in general. I have the most amazing supportive straight friends anyone could ask for, but sometimes I just want another girl to talk about girls with. And I don't think thats much to ask for.
Some people tell me that I shouldn't just go looking for friends that are LGBT, I should just let my friendships happen with whom ever they form with. Well, I've been fucking doing that. I need a friend to talk to that shares my life experiences. Someone who knows what its like to have to watch their back at school just like I have to. Someone who's been harassed on their bus and had the driver ignore it, just like I have. Someone who has been surrounded by multiple people ready to beat the shit out of them, just like I have. Someone who has thought out their suicide right down to the note to their mother, just like I have. Someone that is struggling to find a communtiy, just like I am. Someone that has to check their surroundings before they mention a girl they like, just like I do. Someone who is being denied their civil rights, just like I am. Someone who has to wake up everyday knowing they aren't ever going to be treated equally, just like I have to. Someone that feels completely alone, just like I do...
Most LGBT teens fit this description. So you'd think it would be easy to find a friend, but at 14 years old I am really the only out kid at school. At my age people are too afriad to come out. So I have to set an example and be someone to look up to. And I know I'm doing my job because I see the closet cases looking up to me. They come up to me and say " hi " and have someone to feel comfortable around, and know they aren't alone. Its a pretty big deal to be out at 14, but I have to do it so the kids in the closet don't feel so alone, and so straight kids know a gay person peronally and see that i'm no different than them. But, while i'm trying to be this person and set this example, and make people feel not so alone I have no one doing the same for me. I can be that person, but at the end of the day i'm still just another fucked up teenager that needs someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel bad being this messed up in the head and trying to be someone that people can look up to. If they ended up like me as I am now I'd give them a refund.
I can support the closet cases because i'm like them and i've been there, but my straight friends aren't like me, they haven't been there at all. I need someone like me in my life. I'm not putting down my straight friends at all or straight people in general. I have the most amazing supportive straight friends anyone could ask for, but sometimes I just want another girl to talk about girls with. And I don't think thats much to ask for.
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