Searching for friends

Trying to fit in is the hardest thing I have to deal with. Not only am I just weird I'm gay. So even when I do make friends there is always something missing. There is always this huge disconnect. They can be the most understand nice people ever, but they're still straight and share heterosexual experiences. I can't even try to act like I share any of their life experiences as a straight person because honestly I'm just that gay. Nothing about me even resembles straightness, one of my fingers is even crooked and I swear I walk in curvy lines. I need gay friends. I need them bad.

Some people tell me that I shouldn't just go looking for friends that are LGBT, I should just let my friendships happen with whom ever they form with. Well, I've been fucking doing that. I need a friend to talk to that shares my life experiences. Someone who knows what its like to have to watch their back at school just like I have to. Someone who's been harassed on their bus and had the driver ignore it, just like I have. Someone who has been surrounded by multiple people ready to beat the shit out of them, just like I have. Someone who has thought out their suicide right down to the note to their mother, just like I have. Someone that is struggling to find a communtiy, just like I am. Someone that has to check their surroundings before they mention a girl they like, just like I do. Someone who is being denied their civil rights, just like I am. Someone who has to wake up everyday knowing they aren't ever going to be treated equally, just like I have to. Someone that feels completely alone, just like I do...

Most LGBT teens fit this description. So you'd think it would be easy to find a friend, but at 14 years old I am really the only out kid at school. At my age people are too afriad to come out. So I have to set an example and be someone to look up to. And I know I'm doing my job because I see the closet cases looking up to me. They come up to me and say " hi " and have someone to feel comfortable around, and know they aren't alone. Its a pretty big deal to be out at 14, but I have to do it so the kids in the closet don't feel so alone, and so straight kids know a gay person peronally and see that i'm no different than them. But, while i'm trying to be this person and set this example, and make people feel not so alone I have no one doing the same for me. I can be that person, but at the end of the day i'm still just another fucked up teenager that needs someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel bad being this messed up in the head and trying to be someone that people can look up to. If they ended up like me as I am now I'd give them a refund.

I can support the closet cases because i'm like them and i've been there, but my straight friends aren't like me, they haven't been there at all. I need someone like me in my life. I'm not putting down my straight friends at all or straight people in general. I have the most amazing supportive straight friends anyone could ask for, but sometimes I just want another girl to talk about girls with. And I don't think thats much to ask for.