Kind of a profound day.

Today, I went and hung out with some friends who are all straight. It was the first time in a while I went out and chilled with people. It was pretty decent. There is this one girl thats in the group of people I hang out with that just seems to not like me though. We get along just fine, but I feel like every word I say pisses her off. And honestly her " you're so lame" attitude toward me makes me want to impress her. It really makes no sence at all and I know that, but its kind of hot. I know trying to impress someone or be friends with them just because they're hot is one of the most stupid, adolesent things you can do, but I'm a teenager shallowness comes really easy for me and.

So, yeah, her attitude is really hot and she's attractive, and I don't at all like her like that. I just keep striving to impress her with something I can do or make her laugh because she is the only one that doesn't find me the slightest bit entertaining. I think the mystery of what people think about me really pushes me to try and dig deep into their minds. When I find someone with no interest in me I suddenly become obsessed with them liking me. Its like every time i'm around them I have to change myself the slightest bit just to see if they like that version of me better.

This extremely, fuck up, dysfunctional, attention whore-ish way of trying to make people like me is an insucurity I have with my obvious gayness. I'm the type of person that is so obviously gay that I might as well be the poster child for " don't let your teen turn into sterotype"so when I meet someone that doesn't like me I imediately assume its because they know i'm gay. After that internal breakdown I just want them to know that i'm not some freak, and then I try to turn myself into their verison of what normal is just so they don't think that just because I'm gay i'm crazy. I don't know why I'm crazy, but I know its not just because I happen to be a homo. I'm so weird, and unusual, and spastic ( and not in a bad way ) that when I try and tone myself down for the " hot girl ", or the new friend, or the person who's attention I crave who I become isn't at all like who I am. And I know thats not good to do because what if someone loves the person I am, but hates the facade i'm using to impress them? I could have had a great friend, but missed out because I'm trying to be the perfect gay kid so the people I surround myself will treat me as an equal.

Today, I hung out with my friends. There was a girl there that seemed like every word I said pissed her off. And this time I didn't try to impress her because I saw that the girl sitting next to me was someone who liked who I was. Not the person I was trying to for the girl to my far right. So, we talked and thoroghly enjoyed eachothers company. Even though this seems like nothing it was a big moment for me. Not changing myself to make someone feel comfortable with who I am is big. And I did that today. The majority of the people in the room enjoyed having me there and the rest i don't know.But they didn't completely reject me like I thought they would. Its still hard to keep true to myself when i'm the gay kid in a room full of heteros because I feel that extreme need to fit in, but fuck that if they don't like me why am i there in the first place?

I think being the insane person that I am will help me on my journey to find friends like me who understand me. Gay and straight people who just love the person I am as much as I do them.

I'm probably going to end up trying to change myself again because I really hate feeling alone when i'm surrounded by people, but today was a start and i'm kind of proud of it.

Searching for friends

Trying to fit in is the hardest thing I have to deal with. Not only am I just weird I'm gay. So even when I do make friends there is always something missing. There is always this huge disconnect. They can be the most understand nice people ever, but they're still straight and share heterosexual experiences. I can't even try to act like I share any of their life experiences as a straight person because honestly I'm just that gay. Nothing about me even resembles straightness, one of my fingers is even crooked and I swear I walk in curvy lines. I need gay friends. I need them bad.

Some people tell me that I shouldn't just go looking for friends that are LGBT, I should just let my friendships happen with whom ever they form with. Well, I've been fucking doing that. I need a friend to talk to that shares my life experiences. Someone who knows what its like to have to watch their back at school just like I have to. Someone who's been harassed on their bus and had the driver ignore it, just like I have. Someone who has been surrounded by multiple people ready to beat the shit out of them, just like I have. Someone who has thought out their suicide right down to the note to their mother, just like I have. Someone that is struggling to find a communtiy, just like I am. Someone that has to check their surroundings before they mention a girl they like, just like I do. Someone who is being denied their civil rights, just like I am. Someone who has to wake up everyday knowing they aren't ever going to be treated equally, just like I have to. Someone that feels completely alone, just like I do...

Most LGBT teens fit this description. So you'd think it would be easy to find a friend, but at 14 years old I am really the only out kid at school. At my age people are too afriad to come out. So I have to set an example and be someone to look up to. And I know I'm doing my job because I see the closet cases looking up to me. They come up to me and say " hi " and have someone to feel comfortable around, and know they aren't alone. Its a pretty big deal to be out at 14, but I have to do it so the kids in the closet don't feel so alone, and so straight kids know a gay person peronally and see that i'm no different than them. But, while i'm trying to be this person and set this example, and make people feel not so alone I have no one doing the same for me. I can be that person, but at the end of the day i'm still just another fucked up teenager that needs someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel bad being this messed up in the head and trying to be someone that people can look up to. If they ended up like me as I am now I'd give them a refund.

I can support the closet cases because i'm like them and i've been there, but my straight friends aren't like me, they haven't been there at all. I need someone like me in my life. I'm not putting down my straight friends at all or straight people in general. I have the most amazing supportive straight friends anyone could ask for, but sometimes I just want another girl to talk about girls with. And I don't think thats much to ask for.