It is now 5:50am

Its alittle less than an hour since my last post. I'm so bored its not even funny, but I thought since I'm not going to sleep anytime soon I'd update you on something other than my summer to do list.


On and off I do drugs. Its like so rarely and not even a problem for me that I don't even mention it to my therapist. I smoke a little weed and snort a little oxy. Oxycontin is not at all something to mess with. And honestly it doesn't make you feel that great. You just feel like shit then throw up. Recently I bought some and was going to take it to be high because I was depressed and so I could drop a few pounds because when you're on oxy eating isn't really an option unless you want to ruin your shirt with puke.

I'm not going to lie I felt like hot shit when I was snorting those pills every two hours for those two days I had them. And my cousins were over so they treated me like I was and even cooler person for doing those drugs. Where I live doing drugs isn't really an issue unless you're just an asshole. And you get more respect,and friends and just people that general like you if you're on something. I got caught up in that for the slightest moment. I spent my good money on drugs I didn't need, and fucked up my stomach just so I could feel like one of those people that can do whatever the fuck they want and still have people love them. Quite honestly those drugs did make me feel like that, but after I threw up, passed out, itched like a crack head, and couldn't shit for two days I was still the same lonely kid after I came down from my high.

Right now I have no one. I have no one to talk to, no one to hang out with, no one to even text. I don't want to have to spend all my money, and mess up my body to get that, but I'm only human and I have to admitt I get to that point. I get so absolutely lonely that when I have people to do drugs with, people that don't give a shit about me, people that are just using me for money or a free pill, those people feel good to have because at least it's someone. And just having a person to interact with makes me feel a little less alone. Even if I'm nothing to them.

I've gotten to this point a few times. And I keep going back to it because I just don't get addicted to drugs. I have never been addicted to Oxycontin yet i've taken it numerous times. I let it go very easily. Thats why I keep going back for it when I feel alone though because It makes me feel invinsible, I feel like I don't need it, but I take it anyways, and then it brings me all these wonderful yet fake things. And going through this process again, and again, has made me realise I need something real. I need real friendships that are based on people liking me instead of what I can sell them or what they sell me. I need something stable. I keep wondering why these people are running away from me and I still don't know why, but a big part of it is the fact that they're the type of people that shoudl be trusted anyways. They're just letting the little gay kid in because right now she has something to offer. And I'm not the drugs I have or the money I have I'm a fucking person and I need to start treating myself like one.

I'm not going to just let people treat me like shit anymore, and I'm not going treat myself like that either. Right now i'm looking for security. Like my list is all based on my insecurites like I want gay friends so people don't treat me like the gay kid and I can actually be myself around them instead of wondering who i'm offending. I want to lose weight so people don't leave me because i'm the " fat" kid. And I want to change my style so people aren't put off by how i'm dressed. I'm extremely insecure and lonely. Thats why I did drugs. Its also why I'm trying to change things now. I thought I would give you some insight on how my whole summer list thing came about. So now you know a little more about me.

It is now 6:24am.

Comment please!
Tell people about me too. Por favor.

Oh, and if you know something that can help me practice my spanish over the summer please tell me. Thank you.

Late nights and no life

So its 4:55am and nope I'm not asleep, I'm up doing absolutely nothing so I thought I would blog since alot has been comming up in my head. Lately I've been interacting with my computer more than I am actual people. This seriously needs to change. I'm not even interacting with people on the internet. I'm like a web voyer. I just watch. I watch people on youtube, I watch people in movies, I watch people on shows. And its not because I'm some creepy stalker, its because this is my life at the moment. All my friends have dropped me and honestly I still don't know why. So i'm starting to live vicariouly thought the people I watch. I think thats a bit more creepy than being a stalker. And a bit more sad. At least stalkers have a life, their life is stalking people. My life is nothing right now. I've decided this needs to change and so do I.

First on my list of recreating myself is working out and losing weight. I feel like if I can make my body into the person I feel I am people will finally be able to just see me instead of just my weight and then hopefully I can be treated like an equal. So a few days ago I got working on my kick ass body. I'm eating less and more healthy and i'm swimming every night. I'm going to add more working out eventually, but I figure i'll start with baby steps.... Actually now that I think about it fuck baby steps man I need a girlfriend. My life of the lonely and hopeless is getting depressing and boring. So yes I'm going to add more working out I don't know what yet, but i'll let you know probably tommorrow when I start it. It will most likely be the eliptical becase that thing burns a ton of calories. And I need a good body fast if I want an edge in the gay teen world. Gay teens are picky and if I want to get a girlfriend I need to be hot shit. So, yes that is first on my list. Actually this list isn't even in order its just a list so nothing is of greater importance.

Secondly, meeting people is huge for me. I want friends and I want a girlfriend. But, not only do I want friends I want gay friends. So what I have started to do it go to the LGBT center out here. Its like and hour and a half away from me, but my mom has committed to taking me once a week and we found another one a little closer to me. I went once so they could talk to me and see who I was and introduce me to people. The next time I go ( to either one of them ) I'm going to go to their teen group. If you're in the same situation as me a highly recoment a teen group and finding an lgbt center. Going alone is really awkward, but if you're taking that step to put yourself out there for other people it has to be done. And thats what I'm doing I'm making the step to meet new people so I can have a life again. Because I should be interacting with people more than I interact with my computer. And I should have a life rather than watching people live theirs. So I'm going to do that because I reconize a problem and I'm going to fix it.

THIRD!!!! lol I got a little excited. I'll bring it down now. Third on my summer to do list is to fix up my style, well lack there of. Honestly, I've just been dressing like a bum. I know how I want to look, but I start acting pathetic and depressed and just live with the clothes i'm in because I don't think i'll fit me and i pick up these stupid funny shirts that shouldn't actually be worn. I'm done with that. I need to start dressing like the person I am inside so I can attract the sort of people that will like me. If i'm dressing like shit i'm going to attract other shitty dressing, self loathing, depressed people. I don't need that. I'm enough for myself. I'm going to start dressing alot better. I think first I'm going to start wearing some nice v necks. I'll start posting pictures of my oufits that I buy.

I am set on transforming my life. I'm being pathetic just wating for things to happen. I need to go make them happen. So I'm going to go do it.

If you're a gay teen:

queerattitude.com
thegyc.com
afterellen.com
afterelton.com
gaywired.com
shewired.com
my blog... lol

If you're bored hit me up on aim its onebeastlyboxer

and comment me! Please? I really want to know what you guys think, I want to know what you want me to write about or what you think would be cool for me to do or just say what you liked what you didn't like. And recomend it to people. Pimp out if you want.

Kind of a profound day.

Today, I went and hung out with some friends who are all straight. It was the first time in a while I went out and chilled with people. It was pretty decent. There is this one girl thats in the group of people I hang out with that just seems to not like me though. We get along just fine, but I feel like every word I say pisses her off. And honestly her " you're so lame" attitude toward me makes me want to impress her. It really makes no sence at all and I know that, but its kind of hot. I know trying to impress someone or be friends with them just because they're hot is one of the most stupid, adolesent things you can do, but I'm a teenager shallowness comes really easy for me and.

So, yeah, her attitude is really hot and she's attractive, and I don't at all like her like that. I just keep striving to impress her with something I can do or make her laugh because she is the only one that doesn't find me the slightest bit entertaining. I think the mystery of what people think about me really pushes me to try and dig deep into their minds. When I find someone with no interest in me I suddenly become obsessed with them liking me. Its like every time i'm around them I have to change myself the slightest bit just to see if they like that version of me better.

This extremely, fuck up, dysfunctional, attention whore-ish way of trying to make people like me is an insucurity I have with my obvious gayness. I'm the type of person that is so obviously gay that I might as well be the poster child for " don't let your teen turn into sterotype"so when I meet someone that doesn't like me I imediately assume its because they know i'm gay. After that internal breakdown I just want them to know that i'm not some freak, and then I try to turn myself into their verison of what normal is just so they don't think that just because I'm gay i'm crazy. I don't know why I'm crazy, but I know its not just because I happen to be a homo. I'm so weird, and unusual, and spastic ( and not in a bad way ) that when I try and tone myself down for the " hot girl ", or the new friend, or the person who's attention I crave who I become isn't at all like who I am. And I know thats not good to do because what if someone loves the person I am, but hates the facade i'm using to impress them? I could have had a great friend, but missed out because I'm trying to be the perfect gay kid so the people I surround myself will treat me as an equal.

Today, I hung out with my friends. There was a girl there that seemed like every word I said pissed her off. And this time I didn't try to impress her because I saw that the girl sitting next to me was someone who liked who I was. Not the person I was trying to for the girl to my far right. So, we talked and thoroghly enjoyed eachothers company. Even though this seems like nothing it was a big moment for me. Not changing myself to make someone feel comfortable with who I am is big. And I did that today. The majority of the people in the room enjoyed having me there and the rest i don't know.But they didn't completely reject me like I thought they would. Its still hard to keep true to myself when i'm the gay kid in a room full of heteros because I feel that extreme need to fit in, but fuck that if they don't like me why am i there in the first place?

I think being the insane person that I am will help me on my journey to find friends like me who understand me. Gay and straight people who just love the person I am as much as I do them.

I'm probably going to end up trying to change myself again because I really hate feeling alone when i'm surrounded by people, but today was a start and i'm kind of proud of it.