Kind of a profound day.

Today, I went and hung out with some friends who are all straight. It was the first time in a while I went out and chilled with people. It was pretty decent. There is this one girl thats in the group of people I hang out with that just seems to not like me though. We get along just fine, but I feel like every word I say pisses her off. And honestly her " you're so lame" attitude toward me makes me want to impress her. It really makes no sence at all and I know that, but its kind of hot. I know trying to impress someone or be friends with them just because they're hot is one of the most stupid, adolesent things you can do, but I'm a teenager shallowness comes really easy for me and.

So, yeah, her attitude is really hot and she's attractive, and I don't at all like her like that. I just keep striving to impress her with something I can do or make her laugh because she is the only one that doesn't find me the slightest bit entertaining. I think the mystery of what people think about me really pushes me to try and dig deep into their minds. When I find someone with no interest in me I suddenly become obsessed with them liking me. Its like every time i'm around them I have to change myself the slightest bit just to see if they like that version of me better.

This extremely, fuck up, dysfunctional, attention whore-ish way of trying to make people like me is an insucurity I have with my obvious gayness. I'm the type of person that is so obviously gay that I might as well be the poster child for " don't let your teen turn into sterotype"so when I meet someone that doesn't like me I imediately assume its because they know i'm gay. After that internal breakdown I just want them to know that i'm not some freak, and then I try to turn myself into their verison of what normal is just so they don't think that just because I'm gay i'm crazy. I don't know why I'm crazy, but I know its not just because I happen to be a homo. I'm so weird, and unusual, and spastic ( and not in a bad way ) that when I try and tone myself down for the " hot girl ", or the new friend, or the person who's attention I crave who I become isn't at all like who I am. And I know thats not good to do because what if someone loves the person I am, but hates the facade i'm using to impress them? I could have had a great friend, but missed out because I'm trying to be the perfect gay kid so the people I surround myself will treat me as an equal.

Today, I hung out with my friends. There was a girl there that seemed like every word I said pissed her off. And this time I didn't try to impress her because I saw that the girl sitting next to me was someone who liked who I was. Not the person I was trying to for the girl to my far right. So, we talked and thoroghly enjoyed eachothers company. Even though this seems like nothing it was a big moment for me. Not changing myself to make someone feel comfortable with who I am is big. And I did that today. The majority of the people in the room enjoyed having me there and the rest i don't know.But they didn't completely reject me like I thought they would. Its still hard to keep true to myself when i'm the gay kid in a room full of heteros because I feel that extreme need to fit in, but fuck that if they don't like me why am i there in the first place?

I think being the insane person that I am will help me on my journey to find friends like me who understand me. Gay and straight people who just love the person I am as much as I do them.

I'm probably going to end up trying to change myself again because I really hate feeling alone when i'm surrounded by people, but today was a start and i'm kind of proud of it.