It is now 5:50am

Its alittle less than an hour since my last post. I'm so bored its not even funny, but I thought since I'm not going to sleep anytime soon I'd update you on something other than my summer to do list.


On and off I do drugs. Its like so rarely and not even a problem for me that I don't even mention it to my therapist. I smoke a little weed and snort a little oxy. Oxycontin is not at all something to mess with. And honestly it doesn't make you feel that great. You just feel like shit then throw up. Recently I bought some and was going to take it to be high because I was depressed and so I could drop a few pounds because when you're on oxy eating isn't really an option unless you want to ruin your shirt with puke.

I'm not going to lie I felt like hot shit when I was snorting those pills every two hours for those two days I had them. And my cousins were over so they treated me like I was and even cooler person for doing those drugs. Where I live doing drugs isn't really an issue unless you're just an asshole. And you get more respect,and friends and just people that general like you if you're on something. I got caught up in that for the slightest moment. I spent my good money on drugs I didn't need, and fucked up my stomach just so I could feel like one of those people that can do whatever the fuck they want and still have people love them. Quite honestly those drugs did make me feel like that, but after I threw up, passed out, itched like a crack head, and couldn't shit for two days I was still the same lonely kid after I came down from my high.

Right now I have no one. I have no one to talk to, no one to hang out with, no one to even text. I don't want to have to spend all my money, and mess up my body to get that, but I'm only human and I have to admitt I get to that point. I get so absolutely lonely that when I have people to do drugs with, people that don't give a shit about me, people that are just using me for money or a free pill, those people feel good to have because at least it's someone. And just having a person to interact with makes me feel a little less alone. Even if I'm nothing to them.

I've gotten to this point a few times. And I keep going back to it because I just don't get addicted to drugs. I have never been addicted to Oxycontin yet i've taken it numerous times. I let it go very easily. Thats why I keep going back for it when I feel alone though because It makes me feel invinsible, I feel like I don't need it, but I take it anyways, and then it brings me all these wonderful yet fake things. And going through this process again, and again, has made me realise I need something real. I need real friendships that are based on people liking me instead of what I can sell them or what they sell me. I need something stable. I keep wondering why these people are running away from me and I still don't know why, but a big part of it is the fact that they're the type of people that shoudl be trusted anyways. They're just letting the little gay kid in because right now she has something to offer. And I'm not the drugs I have or the money I have I'm a fucking person and I need to start treating myself like one.

I'm not going to just let people treat me like shit anymore, and I'm not going treat myself like that either. Right now i'm looking for security. Like my list is all based on my insecurites like I want gay friends so people don't treat me like the gay kid and I can actually be myself around them instead of wondering who i'm offending. I want to lose weight so people don't leave me because i'm the " fat" kid. And I want to change my style so people aren't put off by how i'm dressed. I'm extremely insecure and lonely. Thats why I did drugs. Its also why I'm trying to change things now. I thought I would give you some insight on how my whole summer list thing came about. So now you know a little more about me.

It is now 6:24am.

Comment please!
Tell people about me too. Por favor.

Oh, and if you know something that can help me practice my spanish over the summer please tell me. Thank you.