Showing posts with label Teen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Teen. Show all posts
Friday, July 17, 2009
Train Reck
I feel so alone lately. Kids out here really only see drug addicts as souls worth saving. I almost want to get addicted to something so someone can see me hitting rock bottom and want to come rescue me. Then I could actually have someone to talk to, who wanted to be around me. But, I'm not a drug addict nor do I want to be. I'm just a kid looking for someone to love me for the train reck I am.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Searching for friends
Trying to fit in is the hardest thing I have to deal with. Not only am I just weird I'm gay. So even when I do make friends there is always something missing. There is always this huge disconnect. They can be the most understand nice people ever, but they're still straight and share heterosexual experiences. I can't even try to act like I share any of their life experiences as a straight person because honestly I'm just that gay. Nothing about me even resembles straightness, one of my fingers is even crooked and I swear I walk in curvy lines. I need gay friends. I need them bad.
Some people tell me that I shouldn't just go looking for friends that are LGBT, I should just let my friendships happen with whom ever they form with. Well, I've been fucking doing that. I need a friend to talk to that shares my life experiences. Someone who knows what its like to have to watch their back at school just like I have to. Someone who's been harassed on their bus and had the driver ignore it, just like I have. Someone who has been surrounded by multiple people ready to beat the shit out of them, just like I have. Someone who has thought out their suicide right down to the note to their mother, just like I have. Someone that is struggling to find a communtiy, just like I am. Someone that has to check their surroundings before they mention a girl they like, just like I do. Someone who is being denied their civil rights, just like I am. Someone who has to wake up everyday knowing they aren't ever going to be treated equally, just like I have to. Someone that feels completely alone, just like I do...
Most LGBT teens fit this description. So you'd think it would be easy to find a friend, but at 14 years old I am really the only out kid at school. At my age people are too afriad to come out. So I have to set an example and be someone to look up to. And I know I'm doing my job because I see the closet cases looking up to me. They come up to me and say " hi " and have someone to feel comfortable around, and know they aren't alone. Its a pretty big deal to be out at 14, but I have to do it so the kids in the closet don't feel so alone, and so straight kids know a gay person peronally and see that i'm no different than them. But, while i'm trying to be this person and set this example, and make people feel not so alone I have no one doing the same for me. I can be that person, but at the end of the day i'm still just another fucked up teenager that needs someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel bad being this messed up in the head and trying to be someone that people can look up to. If they ended up like me as I am now I'd give them a refund.
I can support the closet cases because i'm like them and i've been there, but my straight friends aren't like me, they haven't been there at all. I need someone like me in my life. I'm not putting down my straight friends at all or straight people in general. I have the most amazing supportive straight friends anyone could ask for, but sometimes I just want another girl to talk about girls with. And I don't think thats much to ask for.
Some people tell me that I shouldn't just go looking for friends that are LGBT, I should just let my friendships happen with whom ever they form with. Well, I've been fucking doing that. I need a friend to talk to that shares my life experiences. Someone who knows what its like to have to watch their back at school just like I have to. Someone who's been harassed on their bus and had the driver ignore it, just like I have. Someone who has been surrounded by multiple people ready to beat the shit out of them, just like I have. Someone who has thought out their suicide right down to the note to their mother, just like I have. Someone that is struggling to find a communtiy, just like I am. Someone that has to check their surroundings before they mention a girl they like, just like I do. Someone who is being denied their civil rights, just like I am. Someone who has to wake up everyday knowing they aren't ever going to be treated equally, just like I have to. Someone that feels completely alone, just like I do...
Most LGBT teens fit this description. So you'd think it would be easy to find a friend, but at 14 years old I am really the only out kid at school. At my age people are too afriad to come out. So I have to set an example and be someone to look up to. And I know I'm doing my job because I see the closet cases looking up to me. They come up to me and say " hi " and have someone to feel comfortable around, and know they aren't alone. Its a pretty big deal to be out at 14, but I have to do it so the kids in the closet don't feel so alone, and so straight kids know a gay person peronally and see that i'm no different than them. But, while i'm trying to be this person and set this example, and make people feel not so alone I have no one doing the same for me. I can be that person, but at the end of the day i'm still just another fucked up teenager that needs someone to talk to. Sometimes I feel bad being this messed up in the head and trying to be someone that people can look up to. If they ended up like me as I am now I'd give them a refund.
I can support the closet cases because i'm like them and i've been there, but my straight friends aren't like me, they haven't been there at all. I need someone like me in my life. I'm not putting down my straight friends at all or straight people in general. I have the most amazing supportive straight friends anyone could ask for, but sometimes I just want another girl to talk about girls with. And I don't think thats much to ask for.
Introduction to my life.
First I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Lynn, a 14 year old girl living in the suburbs of Chicago, Illinois. I knew I was different early on when I fell for a girl named Sarah in preschool. She would play tag with me at recess and I thought we were a match made in rainbow heaven. At the time I knew it wasn't "normal" to like girls, so I kept my mouth shut about the fact that I did. I never thought of it as an issue until a sort of life altering moment in first grade.
When I was in first grade and kind of getting into my own style it was extremely apparent that i was boyish and on one occassion I used this to my advantage. My best friend in first grade was a boy named Steven. At school we did everything together and told each other everything. We even talked about girls and it was a great friendship. The only thing he eventually found out I wasn't a guy and we never talked again. Looking back at that I can see how much that moment formed the rest of my fucked up elementary school years.
From second through 4th grade I thought I was a guy and 'til this day I have gender issues. I rememer once in third grade we were talking at lunch and asking eachother who we would date if we were the oppisite sex. It was a long time ago, but I still remember thinking " why can't I just be a girl and date her?".
There were rumors about me in 6th grade and I was outed in 7th. About a month after I was outed I just went with it. I knew that I was the only out kid at that school so I fucking took my raging gayness and made it known. because I knew I was comfortable enough with myself to be out and proud so the kids that were in the closet knew that they weren't alone. Everyone at my middle school knew I was gay even teachers knew and supported me. I had friends drop me and I gained friends. I even had a friend drop me, harrass me, have her friend harass me, avoid me, then appolgize to me for doing so because she finally saw that I was just another kid the same as her. It was just that she like boys and I liked girls. We weren't even close friends. And I came out to my mom when I was 13.
Well, I'm 14 now and as soon as the school year starts up again I will be a sophmore. Being a gay teenager kind of sucks ass. I never went back into the closet because I strongly believe that I am helping at least one person by being out. So most people know i'm gay. I don't go around screaming it, but it you ask, i'll tell. I had to deal with a homophobic math teacher. I had this plan where whenever she said something fucking stupid I was going to launch a rock at her face. We won't get into her though. I'll just say that she was a bitch and if I see her walking down the street and I just so happen to have a paintball gun something might go down....
So yeah, this was my intro. This blog is mostly just going to be about my life as an out gay teen and trying to find gay friends and about how I lost my friends and what not.
When I was in first grade and kind of getting into my own style it was extremely apparent that i was boyish and on one occassion I used this to my advantage. My best friend in first grade was a boy named Steven. At school we did everything together and told each other everything. We even talked about girls and it was a great friendship. The only thing he eventually found out I wasn't a guy and we never talked again. Looking back at that I can see how much that moment formed the rest of my fucked up elementary school years.
From second through 4th grade I thought I was a guy and 'til this day I have gender issues. I rememer once in third grade we were talking at lunch and asking eachother who we would date if we were the oppisite sex. It was a long time ago, but I still remember thinking " why can't I just be a girl and date her?".
There were rumors about me in 6th grade and I was outed in 7th. About a month after I was outed I just went with it. I knew that I was the only out kid at that school so I fucking took my raging gayness and made it known. because I knew I was comfortable enough with myself to be out and proud so the kids that were in the closet knew that they weren't alone. Everyone at my middle school knew I was gay even teachers knew and supported me. I had friends drop me and I gained friends. I even had a friend drop me, harrass me, have her friend harass me, avoid me, then appolgize to me for doing so because she finally saw that I was just another kid the same as her. It was just that she like boys and I liked girls. We weren't even close friends. And I came out to my mom when I was 13.
Well, I'm 14 now and as soon as the school year starts up again I will be a sophmore. Being a gay teenager kind of sucks ass. I never went back into the closet because I strongly believe that I am helping at least one person by being out. So most people know i'm gay. I don't go around screaming it, but it you ask, i'll tell. I had to deal with a homophobic math teacher. I had this plan where whenever she said something fucking stupid I was going to launch a rock at her face. We won't get into her though. I'll just say that she was a bitch and if I see her walking down the street and I just so happen to have a paintball gun something might go down....
So yeah, this was my intro. This blog is mostly just going to be about my life as an out gay teen and trying to find gay friends and about how I lost my friends and what not.
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