Train Reck

I feel so alone lately. Kids out here really only see drug addicts as souls worth saving. I almost want to get addicted to something so someone can see me hitting rock bottom and want to come rescue me. Then I could actually have someone to talk to, who wanted to be around me. But, I'm not a drug addict nor do I want to be. I'm just a kid looking for someone to love me for the train reck I am.

It is now 5:50am

Its alittle less than an hour since my last post. I'm so bored its not even funny, but I thought since I'm not going to sleep anytime soon I'd update you on something other than my summer to do list.


On and off I do drugs. Its like so rarely and not even a problem for me that I don't even mention it to my therapist. I smoke a little weed and snort a little oxy. Oxycontin is not at all something to mess with. And honestly it doesn't make you feel that great. You just feel like shit then throw up. Recently I bought some and was going to take it to be high because I was depressed and so I could drop a few pounds because when you're on oxy eating isn't really an option unless you want to ruin your shirt with puke.

I'm not going to lie I felt like hot shit when I was snorting those pills every two hours for those two days I had them. And my cousins were over so they treated me like I was and even cooler person for doing those drugs. Where I live doing drugs isn't really an issue unless you're just an asshole. And you get more respect,and friends and just people that general like you if you're on something. I got caught up in that for the slightest moment. I spent my good money on drugs I didn't need, and fucked up my stomach just so I could feel like one of those people that can do whatever the fuck they want and still have people love them. Quite honestly those drugs did make me feel like that, but after I threw up, passed out, itched like a crack head, and couldn't shit for two days I was still the same lonely kid after I came down from my high.

Right now I have no one. I have no one to talk to, no one to hang out with, no one to even text. I don't want to have to spend all my money, and mess up my body to get that, but I'm only human and I have to admitt I get to that point. I get so absolutely lonely that when I have people to do drugs with, people that don't give a shit about me, people that are just using me for money or a free pill, those people feel good to have because at least it's someone. And just having a person to interact with makes me feel a little less alone. Even if I'm nothing to them.

I've gotten to this point a few times. And I keep going back to it because I just don't get addicted to drugs. I have never been addicted to Oxycontin yet i've taken it numerous times. I let it go very easily. Thats why I keep going back for it when I feel alone though because It makes me feel invinsible, I feel like I don't need it, but I take it anyways, and then it brings me all these wonderful yet fake things. And going through this process again, and again, has made me realise I need something real. I need real friendships that are based on people liking me instead of what I can sell them or what they sell me. I need something stable. I keep wondering why these people are running away from me and I still don't know why, but a big part of it is the fact that they're the type of people that shoudl be trusted anyways. They're just letting the little gay kid in because right now she has something to offer. And I'm not the drugs I have or the money I have I'm a fucking person and I need to start treating myself like one.

I'm not going to just let people treat me like shit anymore, and I'm not going treat myself like that either. Right now i'm looking for security. Like my list is all based on my insecurites like I want gay friends so people don't treat me like the gay kid and I can actually be myself around them instead of wondering who i'm offending. I want to lose weight so people don't leave me because i'm the " fat" kid. And I want to change my style so people aren't put off by how i'm dressed. I'm extremely insecure and lonely. Thats why I did drugs. Its also why I'm trying to change things now. I thought I would give you some insight on how my whole summer list thing came about. So now you know a little more about me.

It is now 6:24am.

Comment please!
Tell people about me too. Por favor.

Oh, and if you know something that can help me practice my spanish over the summer please tell me. Thank you.

Late nights and no life

So its 4:55am and nope I'm not asleep, I'm up doing absolutely nothing so I thought I would blog since alot has been comming up in my head. Lately I've been interacting with my computer more than I am actual people. This seriously needs to change. I'm not even interacting with people on the internet. I'm like a web voyer. I just watch. I watch people on youtube, I watch people in movies, I watch people on shows. And its not because I'm some creepy stalker, its because this is my life at the moment. All my friends have dropped me and honestly I still don't know why. So i'm starting to live vicariouly thought the people I watch. I think thats a bit more creepy than being a stalker. And a bit more sad. At least stalkers have a life, their life is stalking people. My life is nothing right now. I've decided this needs to change and so do I.

First on my list of recreating myself is working out and losing weight. I feel like if I can make my body into the person I feel I am people will finally be able to just see me instead of just my weight and then hopefully I can be treated like an equal. So a few days ago I got working on my kick ass body. I'm eating less and more healthy and i'm swimming every night. I'm going to add more working out eventually, but I figure i'll start with baby steps.... Actually now that I think about it fuck baby steps man I need a girlfriend. My life of the lonely and hopeless is getting depressing and boring. So yes I'm going to add more working out I don't know what yet, but i'll let you know probably tommorrow when I start it. It will most likely be the eliptical becase that thing burns a ton of calories. And I need a good body fast if I want an edge in the gay teen world. Gay teens are picky and if I want to get a girlfriend I need to be hot shit. So, yes that is first on my list. Actually this list isn't even in order its just a list so nothing is of greater importance.

Secondly, meeting people is huge for me. I want friends and I want a girlfriend. But, not only do I want friends I want gay friends. So what I have started to do it go to the LGBT center out here. Its like and hour and a half away from me, but my mom has committed to taking me once a week and we found another one a little closer to me. I went once so they could talk to me and see who I was and introduce me to people. The next time I go ( to either one of them ) I'm going to go to their teen group. If you're in the same situation as me a highly recoment a teen group and finding an lgbt center. Going alone is really awkward, but if you're taking that step to put yourself out there for other people it has to be done. And thats what I'm doing I'm making the step to meet new people so I can have a life again. Because I should be interacting with people more than I interact with my computer. And I should have a life rather than watching people live theirs. So I'm going to do that because I reconize a problem and I'm going to fix it.

THIRD!!!! lol I got a little excited. I'll bring it down now. Third on my summer to do list is to fix up my style, well lack there of. Honestly, I've just been dressing like a bum. I know how I want to look, but I start acting pathetic and depressed and just live with the clothes i'm in because I don't think i'll fit me and i pick up these stupid funny shirts that shouldn't actually be worn. I'm done with that. I need to start dressing like the person I am inside so I can attract the sort of people that will like me. If i'm dressing like shit i'm going to attract other shitty dressing, self loathing, depressed people. I don't need that. I'm enough for myself. I'm going to start dressing alot better. I think first I'm going to start wearing some nice v necks. I'll start posting pictures of my oufits that I buy.

I am set on transforming my life. I'm being pathetic just wating for things to happen. I need to go make them happen. So I'm going to go do it.

If you're a gay teen:

queerattitude.com
thegyc.com
afterellen.com
afterelton.com
gaywired.com
shewired.com
my blog... lol

If you're bored hit me up on aim its onebeastlyboxer

and comment me! Please? I really want to know what you guys think, I want to know what you want me to write about or what you think would be cool for me to do or just say what you liked what you didn't like. And recomend it to people. Pimp out if you want.

A look into my life and conversations ( IM with my friend)

Yeah so I'm Lynn I changed our screen names but yeah. day in the life of me pretty much you can learn some important facts about me and blah blah blah from this. lol its pretty funny too.

Lynn (10:27:57 PM): my internet is retarded

frank (10:31:40 PM): D:

Lynn(10:32:38 PM): i want to hit on random people at pride

frank (10:33:15 PM): I was listening to the radio and they aren't allowed to have confetti or waterguns anymore at pride

frank (10:33:21 PM): For peoples safety

frank (10:33:27 PM): Which is dumb

Lynn (10:33:36 PM): yeah thats stupid

Lynn (10:33:44 PM): but whatever i still get free necklaces

Lynn (10:33:57 PM): and drunk people handing me beer

frank (10:34:09 PM): Haha

Lynn (11:03:37 PM): i got a bunch of bowls and bubblers

Lynn (11:03:44 PM): i'm going to start selling them to people

Lynn (11:03:51 PM): for 5 and ten dollars

frank (11:04:40 PM): are the big bowls? or like lica bowls?

Lynn (11:04:54 PM): bigger than hers

frank (11:04:58 PM): hmmm

frank (11:05:05 PM): i might buy one

frank (11:05:33 PM): are they like any animal or a shrooms?

frank (11:05:36 PM): *shroom

frank (11:05:42 PM): OH I DID SHROOMS!

Lynn(11:05:49 PM): how was that

frank (11:06:01 PM): ginna made me have a bad trip and i was gonna kill myself

frank (11:06:33 PM): but it's really fun everything moves and stuff

frank (11:06:48 PM): and you just want to roll around and shake

frank (11:06:55 PM): for a period of time we rolled around in the tent

Lynn (11:07:00 PM): wow

Lynn (11:07:02 PM): nice

Lynn (11:09:58 PM): what are you doing on saturday?

frank (11:10:15 PM): idkk

Lynn (11:10:44 PM): like do you have anything planned?

frank (11:10:54 PM): i dont think so

Lynn (11:11:09 PM): if you want you can hit up pride with me and carli

frank (11:11:28 PM): maybe! but i might go to chicago on friday so if i have money ill come

frank (11:11:37 PM): and im kinda mad at carli

Lynn (11:11:43 PM): oh what happened

frank (11:12:21 PM): she was at the twins house with mckenna and mckenna is a bitch and i didn't want to deal with her if she was there and carli said she was there so i was like oh nvm ill call courtney

frank (11:12:31 PM): and then she told mckenna and mckenna flipped out on me

Lynn (11:12:54 PM): wow

Lynn (11:12:59 PM): you're really mad about that?

frank (11:13:23 PM): she was mad at me for having a loud mouth

frank (11:13:33 PM): but whatever

Lynn (11:15:02 PM): oh

Lynn (11:15:10 PM): thats why i don't do drama

frank (11:15:34 PM): i guess im just sick of everyone

Lynn (11:15:49 PM): get new friends

frank (11:15:56 PM): eh no one likes me

Lynn (11:16:26 PM): thats why i'm going to meet people at pride and make friends with 30 year olds that will go out and buy my vodka

frank (11:16:45 PM): is there really beer everywhere?

Lynn (11:17:12 PM): yeah and weed

Lynn (11:17:21 PM): and i think that other smell was meth

Lynn (11:17:23 PM): but idk

frank (11:17:27 PM): sounds like fun! and i can experiment!

Lynn (11:17:33 PM): mhm

Lynn (11:17:45 PM): i want to get at least one persons number

Lynn (11:18:04 PM): make up with carli so we can all go hit on people

frank (11:20:57 PM): we can't fight!

Lynn (11:21:19 PM): oh

Lynn (11:21:24 PM): did you plan on fighting

Lynn (11:21:35 PM): if you want to fight we'll do that non publicly

frank (11:21:39 PM): hahah i never plan on it! but it happens

frank (11:21:47 PM): hahah lets get into a big ghetto fight

frank (11:21:49 PM): jk

frank (11:21:52 PM): people would jump in

frank (11:21:59 PM): and then it would be a riot

Lynn (11:22:08 PM): yeah and all the dykes would kick your ass

frank (11:22:09 PM): but that would be kick ass knowning we started it

frank (11:22:24 PM): hahaha all the gays will kill you with their feather boas!

Lynn (11:22:37 PM): i know right

Lynn (11:22:47 PM): and like give me a make over

frank (11:28:08 PM): if i go

frank (11:28:14 PM): our goal is to get puking drunk!

frank (11:28:18 PM): and make out with someone

Lynn (11:28:24 PM): i can't get drunk

frank (11:28:29 PM): why!

Lynn (11:28:32 PM): my mom is driving me back

Lynn (11:28:47 PM): but making out can be a goal

frank (11:28:55 PM): you can hide it if you dont act like a dumbass!

frank (11:29:12 PM): and you're mom is cool she'd just say "hahaha you guys are retarded!"

Lynn (11:29:36 PM): no

Lynn (11:29:39 PM): she'd be like
Lynn (11:29:52 PM): " damnnit you're fucking grounded for 4 days!"

frank (11:30:13 PM): hahaha thats worth it!

Lynn (11:30:38 PM): i can convince her to let us take the train

Lynn (11:30:45 PM): but you have to take more than one train

frank (11:31:00 PM): no way am i ridign a subway!

Lynn (11:31:44 PM): okay then only a little drunk

Lynn (11:31:46 PM): we can get high

Lynn (11:31:50 PM): but not too drunk

frank (11:32:18 PM): we have to watch carli

frank (11:32:29 PM): i dont want to take care of a blacking out bitch

frank (11:32:38 PM): bitch as in broad

Lynn (11:32:52 PM): i'm going to make her take vitamins

Lynn (11:33:14 PM): she doesn't get enough

Lynn (11:33:17 PM): thats why she blacks out

frank (11:33:51 PM): should a sleeping pill be snorted?

Lynn (11:34:08 PM): no

frank (11:34:23 PM): what if you want to hallucinate?

Lynn (11:35:12 PM): snorting it just messes up the time release which makes it hit you hard and fast

frank (11:36:49 PM): its 50 mg should i do it?

Lynn (11:37:10 PM): fuck if i know

Lynn (11:37:15 PM): i just pop pain killers

frank (11:43:39 PM): i gotta shit@

Lynn (11:43:43 PM): k

frank (11:43:49 PM): oh listen to oxycontin by lil wyte!

Lynn (11:50:49 PM): jlskjdssadl;asdlkfj

frank (11:50:58 PM): hi

Lynn (11:51:13 PM): we need a to do list for pride

Lynn (11:51:21 PM): make out with someone random

Lynn (11:51:26 PM): get free drugs

Lynn (11:51:29 PM): get numbers

Lynn (11:51:44 PM): make an ass of ourselves

Lynn (11:51:59 PM): picture with a drag queen

Lynn (11:52:04 PM): thats all i need to do

frank (11:56:01 PM): hahahah

frank (11:57:28 PM): fuck i need a square

frank (11:57:29 PM): brb

Lynn (12:00:48 AM): lol

frank (12:01:44 AM): you know i wish i couldj ust go outside and peacefully smoke this

frank (12:01:56 AM): but not i have to wait till 2 and hang half out my window

Lynn (12:03:24 AM): ahahahaa

frank (12:04:24 AM): i've recently been sneaking out and we should sneak out and meet somehwere someday!

Lynn (12:04:49 AM): i'm sneaking out tonight to meet a girl

frank (12:04:59 AM): reallly?

Lynn (12:05:06 AM): yeah

frank (12:05:20 AM): ;]

Lynn (12:05:21 AM): i meet her

frank (12:05:22 AM): or

frank (12:05:24 AM): :]

Lynn (12:05:33 AM): ;]

frank (12:05:43 AM): ahhaha where do you meet her?

Lynn (12:06:05 AM): i met her i meant

Lynn (12:06:14 AM): i met her at the mall

Lynn (12:06:18 AM): then we've been talking

Lynn (12:06:25 AM): now i'm going to go see her again tonight

frank(12:06:32 AM): what school does she go to?

Lynn (12:07:01 AM): i don't even know

Lynn (12:07:04 AM): i should know that

Lynn (12:07:06 AM): oh well

frank (12:07:57 AM): hahaha

frank (12:08:02 AM): who were you with when you met her

Lynn (12:09:01 AM): i was returning something for my mom

frank (12:09:18 AM): oh haha

frank (12:09:20 AM): is she black

Lynn (12:09:48 AM): yeah

Lynn (12:09:53 AM): i don't even like black girls

frank (12:09:59 AM): haha

Lynn (12:10:02 AM): i just like the attention

frank (12:10:12 AM): yeah i think i like adam

Lynn (12:11:17 AM): mkay then

Lynn (1:05:48 AM): so like this girl is driving over here

Lynn (1:05:52 AM): i'll bring a knife

Lynn (1:05:55 AM): andddd

Lynn (1:05:57 AM): hmmm

Lynn (1:06:33 AM): what should i bring to meet a girl that is presistent on having sex with me

frank (1:11:27 AM): make yourself smell pretty

frank (1:11:29 AM): oh and

frank (1:11:32 AM): brush your teeth good

Lynn (1:11:43 AM): my teeth are always clean

Lynn (1:12:09 AM): wow i'm going to have to tell you about this after the fact

frank(1:12:20 AM): what fact

Lynn (1:12:29 AM): after it happens

Lynn (1:12:36 AM): i'll take a picture of her naked

Lynn (1:13:51 AM): and then i'll show it to you like i did with melinda

Lynn (1:14:32 AM): lmfao

Lynn (1:14:49 AM): she said if i do her with a strap on she'll give me a bottle of vodka

Lynn (1:14:54 AM): wow

Lynn (1:14:58 AM): i'd feel like a whore

Lynn (1:15:01 AM): but i like vodka

frank (1:15:02 AM): hahah sounds like a good deal

frank (1:15:08 AM): but are you sure you're gonna be fine?

frank (1:15:17 AM): sounds kinda creepy for someone you picked up at the mall

Lynn (1:15:25 AM): yeah

Lynn (1:15:29 AM): i didn't even pick her up

Lynn(1:15:34 AM): i was playing my stupid

Lynn (1:15:42 AM): how many myspaces can i get game

Lynn (1:15:54 AM): and she didn't have a myspace so i just got her aim

Lynn (1:16:01 AM): i'll bring a knife

Lynn (1:16:24 AM): and shoes i can run in

frank (1:16:29 AM): good

frank (1:16:37 AM): you call me if you're in trouble

frank (1:16:39 AM): no fuck that

frank (1:16:43 AM): call the police

Lynn (1:16:45 AM): ahahah

Lynn (1:16:47 AM): duh

Lynn (1:16:52 AM): no

Lynn (1:16:58 AM): i'm going to wear sandals

Lynn (1:17:02 AM): and ride my bike

Lynn (1:17:08 AM): those go on faster

Lynn (1:17:24 AM): and i know this area better than she does i'll just go to fuckin ihop

Lynn (1:17:29 AM): there are still people there

Lynn (1:17:44 AM): oh i'm fuckin brilliant

Lynn (1:17:54 AM): i should be on to catch a predator

frank (1:18:24 AM): if you get killed ill make a shirt like the black people with you on it and go to pride and say you got gay bashed

Lynn (1:18:36 AM): good

Lynn (1:18:46 AM): it'll get more plublicity that way

Lynn (1:18:59 AM): you have to say they saw me with a rainbow on

frank (1:19:00 AM): exactly
Lynn(1:38:48 AM): mkay i'm wearing my vans hoodie and this blue shirt and basket ball shorts

Lynn (1:38:57 AM): does that scream don't kill me?

frank (1:39:10 AM): haha it screams im a lesbian :]

frank (1:39:19 AM): did you shave your vag and legs?!

frank (1:39:25 AM): you better make sure you did!

Lynn (1:39:45 AM): ahahaha

frank (1:40:08 AM): but dont tell me if you did or didnt

Lynn(1:40:08 AM): i don't think i want to have sex with her the basically first time meeting her

Lynn (1:40:43 AM): but if we do end up doing it

Lynn (1:40:50 AM): i am thoroughly prepared

Lynn (1:40:54 AM): i have a knife

Lynn (1:40:59 AM): and blah blah blah blah

frank (1:41:05 AM): good!

frank (1:41:11 AM): you go get raped while i overdoes on oxy

Lynn (1:41:20 AM): fuck i want oxy

frank (1:41:34 AM): and soak into the loneliness of snorting oxy alone at 2 in the monring

Lynn (1:42:14 AM): hey i'll hit you up with 5 dollars for some and if you give them to me free i'll help you sell some at pride where you can get 20 a pill

frank (1:42:44 AM): well they expired 2 days ago

Lynn (1:42:52 AM): i don't care

Lynn (1:42:56 AM): and who's going to know?

frank (1:43:10 AM): idk but idk if i want to do that downtown

Lynn (1:43:20 AM): okay then

frank (1:43:20 AM): seems risky

frank (1:43:25 AM): but if i have nothing to do tomorrow

frank (1:43:29 AM): we can have a pill day

frank (1:43:33 AM): and go to the twins

frank (1:43:49 AM): ill pitch in pills and then you can

frank (1:43:51 AM): no money

Lynn (1:44:08 AM): i would but i'm being forced aginst my will to go build a boat with sarah and carli

Lynn (1:44:17 AM): like i didn't even have a descision

Lynn (1:44:23 AM): sarah just like told me i was going to

frank (1:45:20 AM): aww i might come i like sarah okay?

frank (1:45:32 AM): and we can just take an oxy while they dont look

frank (1:45:36 AM): hahah

Lynn (1:45:36 AM): donee

Lynn (1:45:45 AM): just bring any tools you can find

Lynn (1:46:03 AM): wow

Lynn (1:46:06 AM): i'm such a whore
Lynn (1:46:10 AM): i don't know this girls name

Lynn (1:46:12 AM): wtf

Lynn (1:46:56 AM): i'm such a bitch

frank (1:47:05 AM): omgsh!

frank (1:47:06 AM): hahaha

Lynn (1:47:54 AM): i wish she offered me money

Lynn (1:48:01 AM): i'd be more willing to have sex with her

Lynn (1:48:08 AM): i have no problem with being a whore
Lynn (1:48:14 AM): thats good money